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ifucare2findme

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Nov. 29th, 2017 | 07:44 pm

just wanna say, with the whole 'going from feeling out of place/ugly/awkward/alone at a concert in May, to having an amazing time at a concert alone in October'

and the 'thought i was in love and looked at myself in the mirror and felt glad somebody besides me finally recognized that i am a beautiful person'

and the 'my managers are worried i can't handle this busy shift but i honestly can't find a reason to be scared because i feel secure in my abilities'

and the 'i finally feel justified in my dissatisfaction, as opposed to feeling weak and whiny'

I think my confidence is getting stronger and I am in love with this. 

{And I remember last June when I read Matty Healy's interviews and went "wow, I wish I felt that secure in my identity." And how it's been me just trying to get there ever since (starting with the first song i wrote about owning my letdowns, through that crying video when I said "i can't see how i'm worth it") omg i've been having a journey, kids}


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Work Schedule

Nov. 29th, 2017 | 07:33 pm

They changed my schedule around at work because both Danielle and Katie are leaving me as the only barista (yes I'm a barista, yes I know how inanely cliche this is, yes I actually like my job for the first time in my life). But now I'm sad because they have me working mornings, which requires me to get up at 4:30AM. 

Now, things like this have happened to me, where I get mildly screwed over or inconvenienced or something turns out a way I didn't want and--I know. I know. Life isn't fair, life is messy and complicated and you don't get what you want because there's so many other people trying to get what they want and it's give-and-take and -- I know. But every other time, I've felt like I just had to swallow my complaints by telling myself, "don't be a baby. don't be weak. don't be naive. you shouldn't have hoped."

I'm not doing that this time. Because I really do feel like this is a sucky situation. And I feel, for maybe the first time ever, completely justified in my dissatisfaction. I even made a list of all the reasons why this sucks. And they're good reasons.

REASONS WHY WORKING MORNINGS SUCKS

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my demons are beggin me to open up my mouth

Oct. 22nd, 2017 | 12:44 am

Before I get into this, I was walking behind a happy couple while leaving work late, after finding out I had to come in at 6AM the next morning, running to the dingy and dirty corner market to get milk and listening to Halsey to try to distract myself, when the couple kissed precisely as Halsey sang 'my demons.'

People talk about that stuff all the time, what their demons are and how they fight them, but I've never thought my mind to have otherworldly entities floating around in it. But I guess that might be what you'd call a demon, yeah; my loneliness. Except at the crosswalk that night, I asked myself why I don't call these doubts something more dangerous, and I realized "it's because I see them as the voice of reason."

The voice in my head says I'm lonely because I don't leave the house. Says I'm lonely because I don't quite act my age, and that isn't attractive. Says I'm lonely because I've got things about me that no normal person would like. Says I'm lonely because I don't do much socializing and thus, am awkward at it and come across as sorely obviously naive. I'm that person people like to hang out with, but wouldn't want to get any closer to, because extended periods of time with me sounds trying. It's something they can't quite put their finger on. Something nobody's saying about me. Isn't that funny, people are always wondering what others are saying behind their backs; I'm worried about what they're not saying.

I think of this kid I knew once, who might have had Aspergers. He was good at heart, he just didn't see that the way he spoke, the way he gesticulated, the words he used, his snooty manner, made him kind of annoying to hang out with. My dad compared me to him once. Well, compared something I did to him once. Because whatever I did lacked an understanding of social niceties. Chalk that up as the first time my dad said something not nice to me, amiright. That comment was made six years ago.

I don't see that voice in my head as demonic or evil, I see it as fairly reasonable. Taken individually, most of those reasons sound about right. It's only when I stack them all up that it looks like I'm spinning into a spiral of low self esteem. Is there really something about me that makes people not want to touch me? Is it what makes me not want to touch them? What other things does this voice of reason say? Maybe 'demon' isn't the right word because there's truth in what it says, and by ignoring said "demons" I'm also ignoring that which might banish the "demon."

I'm too tired to think deeply about this now. For the past couple months, I fall asleep and when I wake up, I hardly remember the night before. I'm having a difficult time keeping my concentration. I'd guess my focus is operating at around 20% on what's in front of me at any given time. I get dizzy easily. I can't quite tell what was something I dreamed and what was something that actually happened in real life. I'm very tired right now and I've mistyped more words in the past two sentences than I've accurately typed. So I'm going to go try to cry and go to bed.

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HOLLA

Oct. 13th, 2017 | 09:48 pm

But two NIGHTS AGO I saw LANY and I HAD SO MUCH FUN

The past two weeks have been me prepping for 6:20pm on Wednesday, when I had to cut out of work and run to catch the train to the city or else miss parts of the concert because for SOME reason, there's a train at SIX THIRTY, and the nEXT ONE, doesn't come til SEVEN FORTY.

And I had it all set, I had prepped supplies like crazy the day before, had practiced closing fast, my manager was going to help me clean up, we were going to try hard to get out, but then manager had to go to the emergency room and couldn't work with me. So it was me and Katie, who I remember the first time I met her, I was like "this chick is way cooler than I'll ever be." Like damn, she's a gorgeous blonde who doesn't take any shit and she's charismatic and kind and knows what she's doing, how do I be like that. But it worked out because she helped me and customer flow was really slow thank god, so I was actually done by 6:20 AHH!

At the station in the city I ate some apple cake I'd taken from work, then went to get on the trolley to the venue. Got there in time for the opening act, which was another thank god, because I'd never heard of her, but she was so, so good I fell in love with her songs immediately. She waved to me from the stage and I messaged her on instagram the day after saying how awesome her set had been and she sent back roses and a thank you so basically-- I DIDN'T TELL YOU HER NAME, IT'S DAGNY. I've been listening to Wearing Nothing and Backbeat over and over since. Her voice was so good live I kept thinking she was lip synching. She just has a good voice.

Speaking of nice voices, PAUL. LANY came out to Dumb Stuff and then kicked into 4EVER! which is the first song by them I ever heard and I have so many memories and emotions around that song and I love it love it love it like a hug and he sang it so good he did different vocal riffs and people flipped when the song started and I was so surprised people like that song as much as I do and it's off their VERY FIRST EP and the screens behind them were bright pink, bathing the whole audience in the color and I'M SO LOVE.

Performance standouts: they had static cameras pointed at the audience, and their live image was put on the screens in back for a whole song. Likewise, they had static cameras pointed at the stage from back of house, and for one song they just played the live footage of their stage back on the screens, in black and white, kind of static-y, repeating onward into infinity because of how it goes. It was nice.

So yeah whoops I forgot to mention when I came in, I just followed these girls to the side, where we were essentially second-row, just beneath the balcony. Pretty damn close. And I was surrounded by people who were way into it, singing along and cheering and someone kept saying "my heart is going to explode" and the girl next to me sang all the songs, and some girls behind me were like "WAY TA GO PUALL" and I didn't care, I put my arms up and I danced all night and I sang and I had fun. It was way better than Providence had been, and Paul was doing his slow-motion-running-man dance and sitting on the edge of the stage and standing out on the front row, leaning on the audience. During Super Far, everybody pulled out signs with tweets printed on them, but I don't know what they said. They made him laugh, though. And he said "thank you guys." Like DUDE. Almost every song they started I was like I LIKE THIS SONG. It sounds so dumb I'm laughing, but Purple Teeth's chorus and Super Far and Hericane's chorus and pink skies and.

Insofar as a progression from last May at my first concert alone, for them, then the 1975, then Huey Lewis, then Halsey, and now them again, I think my self-confidence has grown a lot and I was totally ready to dance my heart out.

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hopeless fountain kingdom tour

Oct. 13th, 2017 | 09:21 pm
music: Damage - Halsey & partynextdoor

I said I would be back to talk about the hopeless fountain kingdom concert, and now I have more to update on, concert-wise.

So, continuing the 2017 trend of arriving-barely-in-time-for-the-show-running-in-and-finding-the-opening-act-hasn't-even-gone-on, I jumped out of my mom's car at 7:56. Ran into Charli XCX. I was way up in the back, in an aisle seat next to a guy and a girl who were talkative with each other and fun to listen to. Behind me was what must have been a family, including a 40-something-year-old woman who knew all the words and the options for the VIP-chosen wildcard song. We're talking legitimate fan. So I was really happy to be in front of her. Because when the lights went down, they stood up, and if they hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to, either, because I would have blocked the stage from their view. The stage was below us. I paid $35 for those seats (plus fees). ("I paid for that car!")

And I was a little self-conscious throughout the show because the guy and girl next to me didn't stand, but I wanted to stand up. I've sat down at a concert before and I just felt like standing up the whole time, but it's like, when you don't stand up for the first song, when would it not be awkward to stand? During the first song at Halsey, some people had to get into my row, so I had to stand up for them, and then I just didn't sit back down. And I danced a bit, I wanted to dance more, but like I was alone and in the three-hundreds next to folks who were sitting down so yeah, I was self-conscious. But I was SO MUCH BETTER than I had been at Madison Square Garden in June. I just didn't let myself think so much about myself.

And Halsey was way good. I wish I could have seen the screens because they looked absolutely beautiful, the little bits I saw from my seat. Video-editing-style and content and colors and everything, it was so, so cool. There are two square screens at the back of the stage, which is just three flights of stairs leading direct to the first row. And say for example, for Bad at Love, the left screen showed closeups of bottles in a vending machine, and the right screen showed the whole vending machine, and they would switch off, and the bottles would change color and the footage would jump forward and back and the vending machine was in the desert, and it was day, no it was night, the lights were green inside, no they were red, and there were rainbow stage lights and it was very cool. For Alone or Heaven in Hiding, one screen showed closeups of yellow and red balloons blossoming and the other screen was a flat red background with a yellow balloon emoji sitting static in the center. Fun imagery. Closeups of monarch butterflies, all bokeh-ed out. And people kissing during Strangers (which I think had an amped up bassline). Now or Never came out the best vocal-performance-wise. She went low for "been through it all" and the whole crowd went high, so it sounded pretty. She went to the B Stage for Don't Play, and it was tiny; the floor was a video of koi fish circling. And I got the hopeless fountain reference there. She and her dancer circled each other like fighters with the koi fish beneath them, and their footsteps made ripples in the blue on the screen of the stagefloor. Like those projector mats on the floors at the mall. But then they kicked, and actual water splashed up, and up in the three-hundreds, everyone around me audibly went "WHOa." The stage was covered in water. And so then Halsey and the dancer were dancing and splashing the audience around them. How often am I surprised by a concert like that?

She played Drive and everybody took out their phones and she said it was the coolest thing that's ever happened to her, which is silly. She talked about her family in Quincy, her dad going to Boston Latin, and her "difficult childhood growing up in New Jersey and being a Bruin's fan." Sorry was really nice, she just sat on the stage and sang. She made a comment before that song that made me question my life out loud, but maybe I'll write about that later.

And then I spent too much on a long-sleeved shirt after because she won my heart during Is There Somewhere, when she ran through the audience hugging people, singing "I'm sorry but I fell in love, tonight." And it didn't sound sad. I looked down there at her running and smiling and I thought, "you know what, fuck him. I'm happy for her." For her to write that song while in a sad relationship, in the winter, while homeless, and now to get to perform it in arenas all over the world while being hugged by people who love her. She's got a really crazy story. I see pictures of her in high school and I recognize in her all the art kids I hung out with. The ones who swore too much and dyed their hair every week and had hard home lives and bad grades and smoking habits. There's parts of Halsey I don't agree with, but there's also at the heart of it, this person I think is kind of similar to me, and whom I think I could be friends with.

Did that come out weird. That came out weird, didn't it.

Still. Still.

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i have my moments

Oct. 9th, 2017 | 06:50 pm

I had a weekend full of things to do, which felt not normal.

Thursday was my day off, but Moriah was visiting and I agreed to hang out with her. Well, back up, my last day off wasn't actually a day off because I had to cover someone's morning shift, and I had forgotten until like the day before, so that was a sudden and unhappy realization. So I hadn't had a day off since the previous Thursday and this Thursday Moriah comes up. At first I was kind of dreading giving up my morning (MORNING) to see her, but it's so nice to see her. We got pumpkin pancakes and talked all about family and our moms and jobs and things we have to do to get, maybe not where we want to go, but to get more control of our lives. Maybe that's part of growing up: your focus shifting from "what you need to do to reach your dreams" to "what you need to do to stay afloat." Then we walked back to my apartment and lay on the floor and talked for four hours. After she got on the train to Boston, I watched Salem's Halloween parade, which was as lackluster as you might imagine the parade of a not-very-well-off city to be.

I worked early an extra hour Friday, then peeled out of there with my mom, who was waiting to drive me to the Garden to see Halsey. Keeping up with Arriving At the Concerts Late 2017, she pulled over and I hopped out of the car at 7:56pm when the show started at 7. Then in the one-hundreds, as I was hurrying to find my seat (in the not the one-hundreds, that was not me bragging) I kind of glanced to my right because there was an excitment, there was Charli XCX right there, no barricades or nothing, just her a couple feet away from me (that might be bragging). Me thinking "she looks a bit familiar" until I heard her say "how AWH yew?" in a British accent and then thinking, "wow tonight's weird." I didn't even break my stride. I like a total of one (1) of her songs.

The show was something I should write about in another post, given my experiences at concerts this year. I went back to my parents' that night, which wasn't originally part of my plan. Getting a free lazy morning in my bed was the plan, but Moriah was still in town Saturday, so I slept in the house closer to Boston. Saturday night we walked around Harvard Square and got Mike's Pastry and tried stuff at Lush, where I weirdly ran into Tara. And then we saw Baby Driver at Brattle Theater and the audience was qiote happy and into it. They got excited when Darling started shooting with both guns at the end before she...well, you know. But she looks like a total badass.

Got home late Saturday night, worked early Sunday, and from there, got picked up by family to go to Topsfield Fair, which is the second lackluster thing in this entry. I was so exhausted and I had just learned that I would have to be into work Monday at 6AM for a very busy shift I've never done before so I was dreading being exhausted forever. I didn't really enjoy myself at the Fair, but it was necessary to go through that this first year without Lisa. I kept thinking that we were going to meet her there, it was the weirdest thing. It felt like we were going to meet up. It would have been much  more fun with her.

Got home late and tried to write a little before going to bed. I got up at 4 today and it was quite busy, but not overwhelming in the least and I did so good. My managers didn't think I'd be able to, but I knew I would be able to and I did good. I didn't run out of milk or water or ice because I stocked everything really well and I. am, a. good. worker. I. did. good. job.

I still haven't napped though. I'm so freaking tired. And then tomorrow I have to practice closing up really fast but I also have to stock everything like crazy because I have to be out of work twenty minutes after close Wednesday in order to catch The TraiN and after whatever mosh pit I get into that night (!!!!! I MIGHT BE IN A MOSH PIT KINDA !!!!) I want to sleep the fuck in Thursday and finally get my lazy morning in bed.

But I also have to go to Brooksby Farm. So shit.

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albums

Oct. 5th, 2017 | 02:17 am

You know, there's a lot going on in my head, usually. Or in my creative life. Even if nothing gets made.

There's a hell of a lot I don't tell people. Whenever anyone asks about my life or interests or problems or what I'm working on, I say something short, then turn the conversation back to them, because I've noticed that people like talking about themselves and I want them to enjoy talking to me, thinking that I care about their lives. Also I don't want to be impolite and blab for minutes about inane personal things nobody else would care about. I've been on the other side of that type of conversation. Obligatory listening-friend.*

**

I just kind of was thinking about this and about how maybe I should write it down, intelligently, so a record is kept. So it feels like I'm at least telling someone, even though I'm essentially still telling no one. Because I'm pretty sure nobody reads this. I don't even really read it. I feel like I should do something better with my time than reread memories over and over.

I think I'm working on an album. I am working on an album. The funny thing is, it's not even my first album. I was working on a whole concept album from fall of 2016-this past winter. All about time and 80s pop and sweet, innocent, crush/love. It was maybe following a fictional storyline of a female actress falling in love with her costar. But it also was sprinkled with songs about my personal life. So there's a song called Pinning Your Hopes, which I wrote in a half hour of frustration in a cottage in Provincetown in the rain. And there's a song about New York City and this one time I went there and got my life changed by one specific sunrise (funnily enough, I wrote a riff into it that I've been singing for a year and a half and only recently did I go back and find out I made that riff to sound like The 1975, and how much of their music had I heard, really, back when I came up with that. And how weird that going back to NYC to see them this year changed my life again.) There's this extended metaphor about loving a boy who is like moon. He reflects all the sunlight and he's just golden and I'm helpless to him like the tide. So there's tons of that, tons of ocean and moths and streetlight imagery throughout this album that I've never recorded, the songs aren't even finished. There's also a really weird thing that happened, wherein, at the beginning of the album I was writing about sunlight/moon boy and how, even looking at the sky and its blue reminded me of his eyes so I knew I was screwed. And then at the end of the album, Lisa died, and real life switched and I started thinking of her when I looked at the sky. And I was screwed again, but in the opposite.

This album is different. It is more solidly a concept album, hyper-dramatized. This is based on an interview I heard with Halsey, in which she described framing a breakup within the context of Romeo and Juliet as a structure for her latest album. Hearing her talk about amplifying the details of her life to convey a story and an emotional reaction, rather than just to document realistically was very inspiring. She mentioned one line "fistfight in a limosine" actually being about a time she and her guy argued in a taxi. That example kind of clicked it into place for me, and I've been dramatizing everything like a goddamn angsty teenager since. This summer has been the second coming of my adolescence. But that's probably better to type out when it's not so late at night, because it's longish. Anyway, I found the perfect extended metaphor for this album and when I say perfect, nobody but me understands just how perfect because it's terribly-no, maybe mildly embarrassing. If I'm honest about it all. If I'm brutally honest, this is all delusional. It's all been happening in my head, remember.

*((I just went back and reread this and remembered that the only person I talked for hours about myself/my ideas/my life with was Lisa))
**((Just yesterday, Tara asked "what's going on in your life?" and I said "I keep going home and trying to write the same song but it isn't working" and she made a bored noise of maybe empathy, but was silent. So I immediately felt selfish and asked her about her show and asked her questions about that and got her talking about what she's passionate about. Remember that time in New York, when a woman asked if she could take street fashion photographs of me and the first thing on my lips was "No, no, you mean my sister. Take the pictures of my sister, she's the one everyone wants."))
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Untitled

Aug. 26th, 2017 | 05:03 pm

I skyped with Celene today and what a way to make me feel like I've forgotten what actual life progress and achievement is.

We talked about life and she told me about the job she applied for, with a title I couldn't wrap my mouth around but included "communications writer."

She told me about going to see Rooney for her birthday with her friend and meeting up with other friends for late-night Denny's after.

She told me about driving from San Fran to Portland in a caravan with John Lawson and others. And the trip she took to Wisconsin and Michigan last year and Nashville. And about how she's going to Norway next January and Dallas in February.

She talked about going to Detroit for her friend's wedding. "It was a really small wedding, really small" she said and then told me it was about a hundred people. She described how beautiful it all was and all I could think of was the last wedding I attended, which was my best friend Izzy's wedding. It was in the backyard of her husband's parents house and there were maybe twenty people there and plastic tablecloths. Izzy wore a nice dress and there were digital photos of them standing on a scrappy hillside on the edge of a road, printed and put out on the tables. Izzy couldn't get days off of her Walmart job to go on a honeymoon.

It's just very different lifestyles. If you're from my area, you aren't really putting on fancy events. It would feel weird if you were. Elegance and Everett don't mix, but feel utterly forced and fake. Trying too hard to be something you're not. I remember Jocelyn's sixteenth birthday party and all I can see in my head is Jocelyn in smudged mascara, smelling like cigarettes, wearing stockings and arm things she got from Hot Topic, swears pouring out of her mouth like it proves something.

I didn't feel bad about anything Celene talked with me about; the wedding thing was just weird. I wonder if maybe I'm not cut out for elegance and professionalism, either. I think about this a lot; is Everett something you can't wash out?

There was a woman who came to work at ETR Boston and she had a shiny, animal-print purse filled with shit. She came in with a large iced Dunkin drink, smelling of cigarettes and strong, ugly perfume. She had piercings and straightened, dyed hair. She wore studs on her belt on her pants that hung low and tight on her hips so she overflowed out of the top of them. She had glasses with rectangle frames and swore like a sailor and didn't pronounce her R's. It was obvious she was from my area. After talking to her I found out she had grown up there. And I wondered if if was the same for me. If people looked at me, and could read my hometown on my body.

Now I wonder if it's something deeper, just as scarring. I think of all the people I know who have big dreams and interests in music. I think of Alex and Mary and my dad and Frederico back in high school and me. And how all these people can talk about music and what they want, but we haven't gotten anywhere. We're working menial jobs and doing something else besides building careers in music or anywhere. And I wonder if it's something encoded in us because of this lifestyle. Something we were born into, something that comes from watching everyone around us do the same thing. Born of expectation or fear or just not having any other real options.

After rent, I'll have fifty dollars in my bank account and zero dollars in my savings account. Fifty dollars to my name. Well, forty after the patreon thing goes through. I think about all the stories I hear about people living paycheck to paycheck and trying to make things work. About how Halsey was homeless in New York City, choosing to spend her last couple dollars on a six-pack of Red Bull so she could stay awake forty-eight hours instead of falling asleep and risking being raped or killed. And I think about how unconcerned I am. All those stories about being at the bottom. Did it feel like this?

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so go an take a lil bit i ya want i ya wantcha gonna take a lil bit i ya want to

Jul. 28th, 2017 | 09:39 pm

compare this to the post I made last march about starting at Maria's and what that felt like.

I've only met with A&J King (Anna and Wes) and done one day of training (by Tara, and I met Josh and Danielle and Brianna? and another guy) but I feel so happy there. I feel optimistic about working with those employees, with being part of that business, with being in such a pretty place surrounded by pretty things. My fellow employees are kind and supportive and understanding, understanding, understanding. I was up at 4:30 today to head in at sunrise and pull fresh bread out of trays, placing them on display in the dark. And when I got home I smelled good. And I had flour on my high tops. It was beautiful.

I like the way you can see the stock run out before you. I like the way the sunlight comes pouring through the windows in the morning and the smiling customers with their coffee orders. I like that people are kind of willing to wait because this is a small-run bakery with artisinal bread, and if you want it sliced it's going to take a minute.

I like that you can play your own music and I like that you get a free loaf of bread and a free pastry every day as an employee. And you get as much tea and coffee as you want. I like that their busy season is Thanksgiving, not Halloween, and that it's going to be pretty when the snow starts to fall, and that this is a year-round occupation and that the owners care about their employees. I was scared yesterday. I really hope this doesn't run out.


AN AHM DREAMIN, YOH BLEEDIN, DEPLETIN, AN AHM BOUNCIN OFF THE FLOOR AN YOUR CEILIN
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I just feel like I didn't post enough about this

Jul. 20th, 2017 | 01:07 pm

In the week before Boston Calling I was honestly excited, though I didn't know what to expect. And on Thursday or Friday right before the concert I lost my mind a little before sunrise and turned up Sex as loud as it would go.

It was up in the air but my mom last-minute decided to accompany me. We were running late, driving around the overcast streets looking for a parking space. She turned into a marketplace and I felt more than heard the Bowie-style electric guitar seeping through her open window. "Is that them?" she asked and I didn't have to second-think. I grabbed her jacket, said thank you, and got out of the car and took off running. Down the hill across the Harvard baseball field, past the security guards, sneakers in the wet grass, singing along "yeah? yeah?! YEAH?! No." I just kept smiling and smling. If I had felt then what I feel now I don't think I would have been able to ever catch my breath.

Coming around the side of the stage, between the highway and the fence, there was a point at which the music got considerably clearer, but I was still listening over the port-a-potties, the bleachers, the crowded field, the sound of traffic flying behind my back. I leaned against a tree and my mom joined up later. The dark bloomed around us. They played Sex and I told my mom I was happy.

But it wasn't loud enough.

It wasn't all-enveloping. It wasn't like being in a room padded with music and emotion and the privacy to dance my terror out. So that night I bought a ticket to Madison Square Garden and invited everyone I knew to kill me for it.

My dad drove me to that one. We left late and had to bring Shayla to Boston, besides, so the trip was strictly limited. It started out rainy in traffic, but by the time we were nearing the New York border, the sun was out, and all these puffs of pollen flew in the yellow light through the trees like snow. At a rest stop my dad plugged in speakers and laid them in the backseat of Lisa's car so we could play their albums from his mp3 player. If I had felt then what I feel now I don't think I would have been able to hold my heart from beating apart.

We were inching in an intersection at the back side of Madison Square Garden at 7:45PM, and the show was at 8. I jumped out of the car when the light turned red and weaved through taxis and travelers and girls in casually-gorgeous t-shirts. (it's funny I had to bail on my parents for both times I saw them hah). At 7:48 I texted my dad that I was through security, and I was shunted along with the crowd to the sounds of Love Me playing through the speakers, up the crowded escalator. I was in Madison Square Garden for the first time in my life.

And they played Sex. It was so. so. loud. The lights strobed the whole room on and off, into and out of existence, and I forgot what I was doing, couldn't even hear what key they were in because it was so booming, and I was there in New York City alone, watching The 197 fucking 5. If I could feel now what I felt then I think I'd be having a better day. But typing about it is almost as good.

(there's so much more I could type about this show, and how pink they burst onto the stage, the fog and the ten-minute pretentious drone before their set which made me laugh so hard inside. How Jared Leto was on the floor and I overthought it all and ate a pretzel instead of getting beer and got concerned about him lighting a cigarette on the edge of the stage, but it's a complicated mess of emotion and meaning now and I have to go to a job interview.)

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i've done nothing productive this whole year actually

Jun. 23rd, 2017 | 08:17 pm

I figured I'd type this out because I'm putting off finding a job/doing anything real-world-useful with my day and also my urge to timeline my obsessions should be documented.

So when I went to Bennington I was up in the mountains without reason to leave. I didn't have a car, everything within walking distance were fields and car dealerships and a Price Chopper, so I was all set--I just didn't go far. I should specify that I only ever listen to radio in the car, so I didn't get to hear radio much at this time, and as a result I didn't know what was popular. I'd come home for summer and my sister would be singing along to songs I had literally never heard before (see: Somebody That I Used to Know. That was a weird one). One spring I got kind of bored with my music and decided I needed new tunes to listen to.

So this was spring of 2014, junior year because I had my own room. And I had a spotify. This was one of the first things spotify did for me, was I looked on the home page and they had a playlist of "Up and Coming" or "New" and I listened to it. When I came out of it, there were two songs I liked; one was Pompeii by Bastille, and the second was a song called Chocolate. I don't know how I liked that song, what with the squeakiness of the singer's voice, but I listened to it a bit. Heard it once in the dining hall when their radio was on, but when I got back home, I never heard it again. Okay, flop. Indie band. Something like that. (Apparently I liked the song enough to put it into my Pizzatine's Day playlist the following February and Alex sang along so I knew it was an indie band by that point.) I really don't know why I liked this song, guys but it was gray and I was on the floor at my door-mirror, doing makeup and I heard Chocolate for the first time. I maybe might have clicked over to their album, but none of the songs hit. But it maybe hadn't been their album, but Music for Cars, because that sounds more familiar.

(fall of 2014 Taylor Swift went to one of their shows and wore a t-shirt and I was like, oh that indie band. With their edgy fans.)

After I graduated, this was fall of 2015, I found an acoustic cover of Chocolate by Jesse Mann, again, on a spotify playlist. I must have listened to that cover twenty-five times in a row tha tnight. Up in my bunk bed. Editing gifs. I put the song on a playlist I have of "oh this is new I like this" and a week or two later, ended up playing it for my dad when we were driving around in the dark intending to break some law or another. (funnily enough, the song I played my dad before Chocolate was Gasoline by Halsey). My dad really liked the song. He asked me to play it again so I did. It was very dark in our car, I remember that. I got excited and tried to play him the original and immediately saw my mistake. The original sounded like shit in comparison to Jesse Mann's smooth acoustic and I said, "It's really good, I swear."

NEXT. March of 2016 Dodie covered Somebody Else and I really liked it. She said she was obsessed and eventually I listened to the original Somebody Else. I don't think I could have found a better time to do this, because I was 100% over my head in 80s synth adoration at this point in my bttf-induced-crack-like-devotion. I might have been on the floor of my parents' dining room stretching before bed late one night, and when the first two chords pulsed through my ears I don't know how I didn't fall flat on my face.

I listened to the whole album. All of it. I shuffled it while washing dishes and laughed at the lyrics to She's American. I told my dad about it and he put it on his new sound system while I read a short story about the sky descending until there was no room to move and everyone was pressed to their backs on the ground. It was a whole lot of background music to me. Somebody Else was the only song I wanted to hear. (I was proud hearing the "fahck that get money" and going "there he is, there's the voice I know from Chocolate").

THEN. SUMMER OF 2016. GOD FORGIVE ME. I put the album on shuffle while doing some hella stressful printing/paperwork/lifework, trying to get an apartment, and The Sound came on. How could I have ever heard this song before without being affected by it, My God Who Am I. I listened to that song over and over and then watched the video and had to practically peel my heart off the computer screen with a spatula. I was so into it. It became my summer anthem. I played it for my dad in the car, at my birthday party (Alex knew the words, again), for Lisa on the way to Dixie Chicks (along with the other couple songs and covers I knew), I played it while resetting ERS and danced like mad. it was s u m m e r t i m e

LATER. After Lisa, in December of 2016 I was on the floor of my apartment trying to paint my nails by the light of my fake christmas tree, and youtube recommended I watch this full-length video of a 1975 concert at the O2. So I put it on, as background music, you know. Completely botched my nails but couldn't stop rewinding the first two songs of their set. That lead singer, his dance moves and onstage persona were magnetic to me. Got stuck in my head. I tried to explain it to my parents but they were distracted. Dodie had gone to one of their shows and I wanted to go just by her snaps of The Sound. I looked it up and even let slip to my dad about it while I was wrapping my friends' presents ("they're not coming here they're in europe").

nOw THiS geTS aLL mEsseD
Because in 2017 youtube recommended Girls and then I couldn't get THAT shit out of my head, and then I got it stuck in my DAD's head, and then I heard MORE of their music, SOMEHOW (?), and my dad told me they were playing BOSTON CALLING, but I didn't get tickets I just snuck to the FENCE outSIDE and I was really EXCITED and it wasn't LOUD ENOUGH, so when I got home I bought tickets to see them at MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, and my mother CRIED and my parents ARGUED but I got to GO and I saw them. I saw them. It was great but it wasn't amazing because I didn't know what was going on and I felt out of place. What was amazing was--has been the few weeks since because I am over-the-moon giddy about their music and Matty Healy, overall, and it takes some guts for me to say this because I'm terrified of being cliche but we're all cliches and every seemingly-unique individual experience has prefigurance and anonymity in the vast history of humankand and you're gonna have to believe I'm not an edgy girl who loves Matty Healy's Problematic Persona but jesus christ there's a reason people talk so much about his HAIR.

And last weekend he tweeted "I just listened to the new @wolfalicemusic album and the ambulance said they can be here in 11 minutes"

But it's mostly the music I mean, have you heard Menswear at 3AM.

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ifucare2findme

May may May may May may

May. 28th, 2017 | 06:12 pm

NO JOB ! ! ! ! ! !

I was psyched to use my tax refund to Not Work this month. First I went to NYC with my dad to record a cover of Burn You Down in a tunnel in Central Park. I first noticed the acoustics there on a January trip to the Met, right after I walked through a Life with Mikey filming location. We got Black Tap Burgers. We got sick. We got pie. There was a radio program on that was good. And I saw the Pepsi Cola sign, which buzzed a flood of maraschino red.

The next weekend I went to Providence for a LANY show, because they put up a video clip of a piano version of The Break Up and it made me want to see them live. They opened with yea babe no way, which made me smile really big. The club was between warehouses and I stood near the back on the first floor. Only feeling a little awkward about being surrounded by teenagers with friends. I took forever to pick merch, but I got to see all these young girls ask the Australian merch guy for photos/autographs.

Two days after that we drove back to NYC to get tacos Shayla wanted. They had a tortilla made of cheese. The weather was nice. We drove and walked around the World Trade Center and then Shayla and I went to Black Tap where we shared a giant milkshake. Got a pizza from Pepe's on the drive home.

Last weekend Moriah came to visit for what was supposed to be a 'conference' but turned into a little weekend of busy and half hearted stress. She slept on my floor and it wasn't as awkward as I thought it'd be. We walked around Boston/the ICA on the first day, visited Rockport and saw dogs the second day, went to Hammond Castle and Salisbury Beach with Chris Sunday, went to Harvard Square and Border Cafe on Monday, and then ate Kelly's at Revere Beach Tuesday before she flew out. It was nice at parts, like the train ride to Rockport, and Crackerjacks at Rockport and waiting in the sunset for Howling Wolf takeout, and seeing Moriah and Shayla talk together at Anthropologie, and playing air hockey with Chris upstairs at Joe's Playhouse where you could see the wide ocean out the windows, and just sitting quietly with Moriah and reading.

Yesterday my mom drove me into Boston to stand outside Boston Calling and listen to The 1975. I was so psyched, but it wasn't enough. Wasn't loud enough, wasn't long enough, wasn't moving enough bouncing alone on the side of the highway. I bought tickets to see them in Madison Square Garden this Thursday and made my mom cry.

So she and my dad have been arguing all day and I have nowhere to go to get away from them right now.
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